"The Happiness Project"

"You're not alone, the big questions are really big for a reason. They're hard, but you know what? Absolutely everybody struggles with them." Emma Pillsbury

At work I'm always the worst re-shelver because I read the back of practically every book I put away. One that sparked my interest recently was called, "The Happiness Project." The next thing I did was a little unheard of, I started reading it. I'm tired of reading children books. I love them and will always go back to them, but this whiplash effect always happens eventually and I feel like being an adult again. The escapism that they used to give when I was going to school and answering the bigger questions in life has turned into hiding from the life I'm plodding through. I want the earth to shake when I walk again, I refuse to drag my feet any longer.

I read another book, terrible little thing really, but it had glimpses of insightfulness. The main character makes rules for happiness, not just to attain it but general statements about our reactions/actions towards it. One of his conclusions was something like, "Most people see happiness as being only in their future."

That struck me because most of my plans for ultimate happiness are very future oriented, but what about now? Does that mean I'm supposed to languish in the doldrums for the next 6 months contenting myself with drinking and my aimless wanderings? Not that those things aren't fulfilling but they're fleeting. I want something I can put my hands on (very unrealistic indeed).

Back to the book. First chapter. While riding the bus the narrator realizes, "on a morning just like every other morning, I had a sudden realization; I was in danger of wasting my life."

I had a plan. I fucked up that plan, but I killed it way before the fucking up part. I'm an English major who only wanted to be a professor and write and spend summers abroad. My great hope was to fall in love with a place and never come back, but not be too disappointed if it didn't happen (the moving abroad forever part). I never thought of time as my enemy, what did time matter in my profession? Shit happens when you take too long. The longer you dawdle the more likely you are going to have some sort of setback or another. I foolishly believed it was the journey and not the destination. Fuck that guy! He was wrong. It's all about getting to your destination so you can look back on your journey. Well I'm still going because the thought of staying (I've never been in the same place for longer than 3 years since I was 19) here for 18 years depresses me beyond words. It's not a bad place, it is actually kind of nice, but it isn't home and once I decided to leave I felt a huge weight lift off my chest.

The point. All that stuff won't be for a while though, so what about now? What do I want at this moment? Is i t going through every item in my possession and clearing out anything that doesn't have some sort of purpose to me? Making sure I make enough payments to my credit card so it's paid off before the year's out? Buying a satchel bag from Saddleback because I looove it...That last one might win out. It seems like relief or instant gratification to me, but I suppose that does lead towards happiness.

"Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence." Aristotle.